Breaking my Chains: Part Four

This is part four of this story. For part three, go here. To start at the beginning, go here.

Trigger warning: eating disorders.

Eating disorders are stealthy monsters. They lurk in the back of your mind, whispering and plotting, twisting even normal behaviours and thoughts into problems. In my twenties I was no longer throwing up, but insecurity still ran the show. If I was on a diet, I was a fantastic person. I was worthless until I found the next diet. The number on the scale determined my worth. Gain a pound? I was garbage. Lose a pound? I was amazing. I felt surrounded by images of what the perfect body was, and it certainly wasn’t mine.

This continued through my twenties and thirties, intensifying after I had my babies as I dealt with the changes pregnancy brings. At 29, I tried to quit dieting for the first…